A Boy Called Tigger

[This began as another Monkey Barn experiment, where we each took turns telling the story. However, unlike last time where there were rules (350-500 words, don't trample on what came before), the only rule this time was: "You only have five minutes to write your part."

With that we were off. Who knows if this story will ever reach a conclusion, but here is what we have so far:

A BOY CALLED TIGGER

Part 1

Tigger wasn't like the other kids.

For one, his name was "Tigger." How many kids do you know named Tigger? Secondly, Tigger was a pirate. Actually, he'd lost his left eye when he was four in a tragic accident that involved a luscious set of breasts and a priest with an uncontrollable (and just being honest, quite impressive) erection. Tigger's mom put the eye patch on Tigger and told him he was a pirate. This suited Tigger just fine, as he had a very bad speech impediment, and words where the consonants snuck up on him were very difficult to pronounce. However, he could--and very often did, especially after gaining his pirate persona--say ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!

Speaking of uncontrollable erections (and really; when are we not?), the fourth thing (we're counting the speech impediment, in case your score was off) that made Tigger different from the other kids was the fact that Tigger lived in a fully functioning "I can't believe these are actually legal and probably wouldn't be if they didn't create a huge tax base for the local economy, which, let's face it, had been depressed since the paper mill closed after Felby Shortz fell in the pulp grinder and totally ruined page three in more ways than one (as it was the obituary page)" brothel.

That's right: a brothel.

Tigger's mom, whose real name was Michelle, and went by Shelly to the girls, but called herself "The Sweating Goddess" to the customers, lived in the brothel full time with all the other girls, and as Shelly was a single mother, and had nowhere else to go, and Lord only knows where Tigger's father was (and come to think of it, while not trying to cast aspersions on the character of Shelly, Lord only knows whose Tigger's father was), Tigger lived in the brothel too. It worked out, because all the women sort of adopted him as a half son/half mascot/half pirate.

One day Tigger was playing in the "Physical Limitations" room, which Tigger called the "Eshhhhemm" room (but mostly because he couldn't pronounce "S&M"), and he came across a box. Possessing the insatiable curiosity of bastards, pirates and little
boys, Tigger opened the box, and was shocked to discover......

Part 2

The dry bones of a small child, dressed in pink and sporting a satin pink bow on the top of the caved-in cranium. Because Tigger could read (that's the fifth way he was different form the other kids, who were still eating dirt and crying for their mommies in kindergarten when he trampled over them in the rush to snack time), he picked up the yellowed piece of paper in the bottom of the box and read the following note:

"This is Deirdre, Robert's stillborn twin. We loved her as much as we could, but it wasn't enough. Born and died the same day, remembered forever."

Tigger blinked hard a few times, tryin to remember what his real first name was. He was vastly relieved to recall that before the erection and eyepatch incident he'd been called "Norman."

But who was "Robert? And why were these bones kept around? And why were they kept in a room with stuff that could crush them so easily, the way he's seen Mistress Xandria step on that man's wedding tackle once time when he was up late at night looking for a snack?

The sound of the door opening shook TIgger from his ponderings, and he quickly closed the box and shoved it back into its hiding place before.....

PART 3

Captain James T Kirk stealthily entered the room dressed in Ninja garb. Everyone thought Kirk was a Starship Commander when all along he was actually the baddest ass Ninja in the Universe. Kirk knew Tigger was in the room because he could smell Pirate weakness from a mile a way. It didn't matter to Kirk that Tigger was a little kid all that mattered was that Tigger
was a Pirate and Kirk was a Ninja. Kirk was here to Kick his ass like Ninjas have been doing to Pirates for centuries.

Tigger was crouched in a corner too scared to move. He knew someone or something was in the room but it was too quick for him to know exactly what it was. All of a sudden Tigger was being pummeled – Chinese throwing stars were entering his flesh, nunchucks were pounding his skull – he was surely going to die. While Tigger lay on the floor gasping for breath he could only ask "why?"

Kirk, being an honorable Ninja, was obliged to tell him – "you see," said Kirk, "your father, Jean-Luc Picard, was a weak man, so weak in fact that he was an embarrassment to the Intergalactic Federation." "I'm here to make sure that his weak Pirate offspring do not infect the rest of the galaxy!" exclaimed Kirk. "Since you are his only son my job here is done."

Tigger, with his dying breath, managed to mutter "I'm not the only hope, there is another Pic…" - with that Pirates everywhere weeped (as they usually do) as one of their own passed into the nether-regions….

Part 4

Tigger felt himself slipping away. It was dark, quiet, peaceful…

"Tigger. Baby. Tigger!"

He could even hear his mother's voice now. How he would miss her.

"Norman John Tigger." Now he felt shaken. "Son, would you wake up! Xandria needs the room."
"I'm alive!"

"You won't be for long if you don't get out of her for Xandria. She's got an important friend on his way."

"Mom, I know well enough he's not a friend."

"Sometimes I forget how bright you are. No wonder I call you my sun. Now come down to breakfast and stay out of this room."

She said as she left the room. Tigger couldn't help but feel she said the last part a little harshly.

He laid there a moment. "So it was just a dream, I guess." But as he got up to head to breakfast he knew it couldn't have been just a dream. He was sore as if he'd been running all over down and there was a new tear in his tee-shirt. He went to see if the box was still there, but it wasn't. He was starting to think maybe it was just a dream as he left the S&M room, when the glint of steel caught his eye. There in the door frame was a Ninja star.

Part 5

"It wasn't a dream! But I should be dead. What does this all mean?", Tigger thought to himself as he ate his Captain crunch cereal. He wondered if dead baby was his mother's child. Was Robert his older brother? Could there be more children he didn't know about? Tigger had to find out. He knew his mother wouldn't tell him, she never told him anything about her past. She was always so secretive. Whenever he'd ask about his father, she would look away and say "Don't look back Tigger, there is nothing for you in the past. Looking back will only hurt you. Look forward, never back."

"I have no choice, Mother.", he said quietly to himself. He would have to go back into the S&M room to look for more clues to this mystery.

Tigger snuck back into the S&M room. "Good, Xandria isn't here yet." The room was dark but he could still make his way around. He had spent many hours playing with all the 'toys' in this room. He had a fondness for the whip and often pretended he was a pirate cowboy sheriff in the old west. He would use the whip as a weapon against the outlaws. He got pretty good at handling the whip. Little did Tigger know that he was going to have to put that skill to the test.

Tigger heard a shuffle behind him. "Xandria?", he asked as he swung around quickly? No answer. "Who's there."

The lights turned on and standing by the closet door was a boy about 13. He had long dark hair and even darker eyes. "Hello, baby Brother. I've been waiting for you. I wanted to give you a present." The boy held out his hand and Tigger's eyes grew bigger at what he saw......

Part 6

The person standing before him was but a mere child. He was actually about a full foot shorter than Tigger and dressed in a Vegas cabaret dancer's outfit.

Words eluded Tigger as he stood staring. His mouth gaping wide open.

"What? You've never seen a midget before?" his brother said. "The name is Warrick. And if you make any comparisons to those damned Ewoks, I will kill you."

"I'm sorry," Tigger stammered. "I've seen short people before. I never knew I was related to one, though."

"Well, we all weren't blessed with mom's leggy height like you were."

"You mean you look more like dad?"

"So I'm told. I've never met dad. I think he may be dead."

Tigger's thoughts flashed back to the box of human bones next to him.

"Where have you been all this time?" Tigger asked his brother.

"Here and there. Far and near. But I've never been so far away that I didn't know what was happening in the life of my dear brother and my loving mother."

The inflection on the last half of the sentence made Tigger's skin crawl. He didn't know what it meant, but it reminded him of the times his mom and some of the others in the brothel had spoken of their "beloved" clients. He had heard it being described as "sarcasm." He made a mental note to look that word up.

"But I'm back," Warrick said. "And I have a message for you. One I needed to deliver personally..."

Part 7

"Arghhhh", said Tigger with rugged enthusiasm. But before he could reply to Warrick, there was a pause. And out of the shadows, stepped again James T. Kirk.

"If there's something worse than one pirate, it's two" sneered the pimping mass of lascivious thoughts. "If my erection wasn't so painful, I'd knock out your other eye". And with that thought, Tigger cried out in a midnight howl "no no no" and rushed the walking herpes colony that humans call Kirk. Warrick joined in on the fun and in the blink of an eye (or two), James T. Kirk was no more of this world. His ass was properly kicked by a child pirate and midget. Two kids never had so much fun.

"Well, with that out of the way, let's get back to business", said Warrick. Tigger couldn't agree more. Warrick started to explain how his father, whom neither he or Tigger knew, had left behind a series of clues to lead them back to each other and then, once found, back to him. You see, their father was a "Beacon"-a rare breed of semi-humans who exist to only bring forth Truth, Goodness, and boxes of Twinkies. The Beacons are hunted creatures-stalked by forces of evil, Dick Cheney, and starving movie actresses. Their presence is always felt, but they are never found.

That is, until along came Milne T. Roo. You see, Milne was a Beacon. But he was different because he never had a penchant for secrecy. He would be found, mostly at UC Berkley, wandering around naked and proclaiming world peace and the merits of well-preserved Hostess treats. One inopportune day, a Dick Cheney and a much less mature Lindsay Lohan were wandering around the campus when each had discovered Milne. Sophia had cried for the Twinkies, but Dick knew exactly what Milne was. Thus, the secret was fully out and Milne was left no choice but to go into hiding. But he had always held out hope that his boys (if you could call his brood that) would find themselves...and one day...him.

PART 8

Just as Warrick revealed the elusive truth about their parents, he flicked a cigarette into the hay bales beside the 'stables' in the S&M room. Tigger stared at the bales, not understanding. Suddenly, Tigger heard an odd sound. It was like crackling. He spun around to see the room starting up in flames!

"Why?" he screamed at Warrick.

Warrick just laughed an evil laugh, and pointed at the body of Deirdre on the floor.

"For her. My true love."

"What?" Tigger screamed. He was confused! Who was this Deirdre, if not his potential sister, and what had happened to her? What was her relationship with Warrick?

Distraught by the flames, Tigger ran to the door to escape, but there was none to be found, the room was locked from the outside, better to serve their clients. And no-one would answer screams coming from this room. Tigger had been kept up nights just listening to the horrible and yet pleased sounds.

Warrick's maniacial laughter rang though his brain as Tigger stared at that doorway. The only thing in his sight was the Ninja star that Ninja James T. Kirk had left behind. "Filthy Ninja" Tigger thought, spitting on the ground.

Suddeny, he had an idea. On instinct, Tigger grabbed the star out of the door, and flung it at Warrick. He had no idea why.

The evil laughter stopped.

Tigger turned back to Warrick, in anguish. The star had slit his throat, and Warrick was gargling for breath. Tigger rushed to his side, prepared to finish him. But he couldn't do it. The overwhelming knowledge that he was a fighter and possibly a Ninja himself coursed through his veins. How was he trained? Who trained him? Why was his instinct to kill his brother, and was
Warrick REALLY his brother? And why couldn't he have been born a pirate?

Warrick tried to speak. Tigger leaned in to hear his last words, the room burning around them....

Part 9

"Montreal. The answer lies in Montreal, near the peachtree." With that, Warrick was gone, and although Tigger tried to grieve, he found he wasn't sorry, really. Warrick was a freak and a creepy one at that.

Montreal...was that really where the Answer was?

Part 10

Tigger slipped through the brothel quietly while the customers took their pleasure and the ladies feigned desire with the help of opium and rum. No one seemed to be aware of the fire burning upstairs yet, but Tigger was not at all surprised. The brothel was a weird place.

He went room to room, ignoring the trusting gentlemen while delicately stealing wallets from discarded pants flung on the floor. In the fourth room he entered, he heard someone scream in the hallway and shouts of 'fire!' were heard through the house. In a panic, Tigger leaped over the pair on the bed and jumped out the window.

The window was not high above the ground, but Tigger had the misfortune to land on a pair of Siamese twins, killing one of them. The living twin screamed as her sister died of a fractured skull. Tigger scrambled off the pavement when he felt hands reach out and grab him.

Part 11

TIgger shrieked and kicked away the hands of the surviving twin, the impact of his booted foot crushing HER skull and sending her to her destiny alongisde her sister. He scrambled to his feet, cramming the wads of customer's money into his pirate pockets and patting his eyepatch in panic.

Tigger ran straight toward the local Denny's where he knew he could get a stack of pancakes doused in hot syrup for a just a few bucks, and where he could plan the next steps in his escape from the madhouse that his life had become.

But oh! He had forgotten about his mother! Where was SHE? Was she all right? He AHD to go back to the brothel, and even though he'd heard somone say "you can't go home again" he hadn't really been gone that long, and didn't expect much would have changed.

He followed the blazing orange light in the sky and the smell of charred wood and singed hair to the burning brothel, where dozens of scantily clad women and panicking men ran franticlly in the streets, one of whom was calling his name in a thick Jersey accent.

His mother! He had found her! Tigger ran toward her just in time to see ....

Part 12 Redux

Boom goes the Dynamite. There are explosions all around. “What the hell is happening?” thought Tigger (who knows he is too young to use the word ‘Hell”). Just then his mother was blown into a thousand pieces. That fire in the brothel was no accident. “It must be a terrorist attack” thought Tigger “and it’s probably because of all of the damn French people, everyone hates French people.”

Tigger looked up to see bombs and missiles coming from the sky. “This is no terrorist attack!”, “terrorists don’t have jets.”

Just then one of the jets flew dangerously close to Tigger and he saw an American Flag on the Tail as the pilot blew him a kiss from the cockpit. “They’ve finally done it” he thought. “The Amercians got tired of our Canadian attitude and decided to take us over.”

Tigger took refuge under a large piece of steel wreckage, he’d take his chances and wait out the attack. When he awoke in the morning the entire city was destroyed. Was he the only person left alive in the city? He started yelling out “hello?”…

Part 13

The brothel was gone His mother was dead. Warrick was dead. Everyone who could help him figure out what was happening was gone. Tigger wished he never found the box with the Deirdre's bones. He just wanted to go back to playing a pirate cowboy sheriff.

Tigger sifted through the rubble of the destroyed brothel, looking for anything that might help him. He located the charred area that used to be the bedroom he shared with his mother. "I'm sorry Mamma.", he cried. Tigger couldn't take it anymore and fell to the ground sobbing. The sun was rising and he could see the sunshine coming through the broken windows. The light clearly showed the destruction around him.

He saw a portrait of his mother on the ground. She was proud of this portrait. "A famous artist painted this portrait of me, Tigger." The portrait was now torn and burned but his mother was still beautiful. "What's that?", Tigger asked out loud.

There was something protruding from the backing of the portrait. He reached in and took out an envelope. The front of the envelope said "For Deirdre". Tigger opened the envelope slowly....

Part 14

It looked familiar. He himself had received and envelope just like this before his accident. He went from slowly opening the envelope and examining it to tearing it. Instead he found the most remarkable letter. It began…"We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

“Witchcraft?!? That might explain his surviving his fight with that Ninja. Maybe it would even explain his ability to use the Ninja star. That’s silly,” he contintued to talk to himself, “Wichtes don’t use Ninja stars.”

“Not Candian wizards.” He heard a voice muffled yet close, it sounded like his Mom. Tigger turned in every direction trying to find her. “Mom, where are you?” he shouted tears rolling down his check.

“Oh Baby. I’m so sorry I waited to tell you. I’m sorry I took your letter. Please forgive me.”

“Mom…where are you? I saw you die in the attack.”

“The paiting my dear.”

Tigger turned the corner of the portrait over again and there was his Mom, smiling and waiving at him.

“If I had only told you and not tried to hid it from you...” his Mom in the portrait begain to weep.

“Tell me what Mom. What is going on?”

“The attack. It was HIM.”

“Who Mom?”

“He-who-shall-not-be-named.”

“Mom, work with me here. What is going on? Who is HIM? Who is Deidre?”

“Deidre is your sister. There is so much I never got to tell you. About Deidre, school, your real name, your father…but you are in terrible danger here. You must go to Montreal, you must go to school, you must see the headmaster…he will protect you. He’s the only one who can.”

PART 15

Tigger soon left his mother behind as he contemplated how best to get to the airport to catch a flight to Montreal. He had heard of this mythical place before, but had never been there. At his age, it was understandable to not even know what country it was in. But Tigger was no ordinary kid-o. He knew exactly where it was and could roughly calculate just how many miles away it was from where he currently stood. No wonder he never got along all that well with the other kids his age.

Without even realizing he was doing it, Tigger jumped in the closest mode of transportation he could find... a Vespa. Without even realizing he knew how to, Tigger had the Vespa hotwired and purring like one of his mom's co-workers in mere seconds.

And off he went.

The trip was long and not exactly smooth, but he quickly found himself at the departure gate of the local airport. He walked in and checked out the departure board. There was a flight leaving for Montreal in only 30 minutes!

He reached into his pocket only to discover he had no wallet and no cash.

He snuck through security and made his way to the gate to see if there was any hope of him getting on the plane.

Eureka! A large group of school children were waiting for their flight! It looked like they were band geeks. No problem, Tigger muttered under his breath. As soon as the kids began to board he simply slipped in line with them and pointed up to the teacher leading the group when ticket takers asked for his boarding pass. He slipped through the group and onto the plane before anyone even realized that he was a stowaway.

In 45 minutes time, he was buckled securely into his seat, watching the in-flight movie, and snacking on pretzels and Sprite when he looked out through the window on his right.

To his horror, in the occasional flash of lightning that ripped through the darkness, he could see the silhouettes of hundreds of little men -- no larger than six inches tall -- all over the wing, crawling in the flaps, tearing out wires, throwing shrapnel in the engine.

What could Tigger do? He looked for a flight attendant, but no one was nearby and the people in the seats immediately around him were fast asleep.

He looked out the window again and one of the little people crawled his way. The creature, which looked suspiciously like an even smaller version of his now-dead brother Warrick, looked back at him through the window and began to mouth out a message to Tigger...

Part 16

"You will die. Turn back now", mouthed the creature. He gave Tigger a grin that made Tigger's skin crawl. Tigger shook and looked around for the flight attendant.

"Where are they, damn it."

Tigger looked out the window and he saw nothing. The creatures were gone; no trace of them anywhere and no damage done to the wing. Was he dreaming?

The flight attendant finally appeared and smiled sweetly at Tigger.

"What can I do for you, little man.", she asked.

"Umm", Tigger said as he glanced out the window. He was unsure of himself. "Ummm, how soon do we land?”

"We'll be landing in 10 minutes. Oh and by the way, your uncle Charlie will be waiting for you when we land.” the flight attendant said as she turned to walk away.

"Excuse me? My uncle?” Tigger asked.

"Yes, your name is Tigger, right?"

"Yes", Tigger answered suspiciously.

"Your uncle Charlie left word that he'd be picking you up."

"Oh, ok. Thank you.” Tigger replied. Uncle? I have an Uncle Charlie? How did he know I was on the flight? No one noticed me getting on the plane. Now, Tigger was frightened. Who are these people? What the hell is happening to me?

The plane landed without any complications and Tigger was the last to leave the plane. He walked out past the gate and waited. He wasn't sure what he was waiting for but he waited. He looked around the sea of faces to see if he could recognize anyone. He found no one. He was about to walk away when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder.

"Hello, little nephew. I don't suppose you remember me?” said a gravel voice man.

Tigger shook and looked up slowly. "Are you Uncle Charlie?"

Part 17

"No Tigger,"said the man, "I'm here to save you from the probing that would occur if HE got to you first. Come quickly with me and you'll be safe."

Poor Tigger had no choice but to go with the man, who was hauling him around by the upper arm in a grip that would crush him if he didn't comply.

Through the crowded airport they raced, the big man anxiously quick-marching them both through the concourses, shoving teenages and old people out of his way while beating flight attendants over the head with a poison-tipped umbrella, which Tigger, even though still a child, thought was a touch excessive.

While they hustled (which Tigger, of course, knew how to do, being omniscient and all), the man told Tigger that he was the unwitting pawn in an international game of cat-and-mouse, with his eyepatch being the mouse.

Eyepatch? What the flaming hell was THAT about? thought the rapidly maturing young Tigger, who learnied the phrase by watching the in-flight movie ("Porky's 4").

Evidently Tigger's mother had been a ultra-high level spy for Guatemala and used th whorehouse as her cover (deeep cover) while stealing secrets from her clients, a vast band of spanking afficianados from the ONS who would tell her anything once she took tha ball gags out of their mouths. Tigger's mother would then transcribe the information onto a chip, which was kept

in a locked pocket of Tigger's eyepatch. He, of course, didn't know this, because his moms always transferred the infomation at night, while he was dreaming of warm cookies and binocular vision.

Tigger gulped rapidly to swallow the knot of fear that threatened to choke him as they ran through the ticketing area, because outside the doors he saw....

Part 18

A bald man about 5’7 wearing a scowl and an apron. He was carrying a machine gun. The man outside the doors threw machine gun at the man holding onto Tigger. The man holding Tigger’s arm went down .

“I’m your Uncle Charlie, Tigger.”, said the man in the apron as he scooped up Tigger into his arms, jumped into a Volvo and sped away from the airport.

Tigger began to cry. He was after all a kid. Everything that had happened began to overwhelm him. He could trust no one.

Uncle Charlie handed Tigger a tissue. “It’s ok kid. Just tell me why you went with the evil man. He would have killed you. I would have gotten to you sooner but parking’s a bitch at the airport and the police would have towed my car if I’d left it.”

Tigger didn’t hear a word Uncle Charlie said after kid. He heard jibberish. What was happening? His hearing had altered. He pulled himself into a ball and…

Part 19

Tigger kept protected in his little ball, and missed the glorious city of Montreal. Montreal is the home of the world's best bagels, floating pieces of paper that magically become small critters, and the most unusual collection of eyepatches. Tigger's Uncle Charlie did not know that the microchip was merely a ruse for the true secret of the eyepatch, but he knew of Tigger's true parental heritage. And Charlie was not about to mess with the first successful mating of a pirate and ninja.

All of the confusion regarding Tigger's father was just that. Confusion. Because there really is no difference between a Twinkie-pushing nudist hippie, a walking herpes colony of intergalactic proportions, and Evil Wizard Lord. They are all the marks of a ninja. In fact, Byron Propicious was all three characters.

Uncle Charlie took Tigger to the Saint Germain museum, where a most fabulous collection of eye patches awaited Tigger.

The museum was run by a peculiar, but irresistablly gorgeous pirate named Lord Mullett. Lord Mullett had cultivated the world's finest collection of eye patches from notables such as "One-eye Willy" and "Saber eyed Sally". Moreover, Lord Mullett had a talent for brewing vanilla lattes and prolonging conversations. Lord Mullett, being the brilliant man that he is, immediately recognized the power symbolized in Tigger's eyepatch and drew his kakura sword. He dispatched Uncle Charlie and told Tigger (in pirate speak) "That man was a fool, you are to fullfil your destiny". He then revealed to Tigger that Tigger was the first nijarate-a full ninja and a full pirate. He had the stealth and cunning of the ninja and the poise, penchant for awesome weaponry, and culinary skills of a pirate.

Lord Mullett then said "Stay here, you will. And I will train you in the ways of the nijarate for your coming has been foretold many years ago and I am the last one of my kind-the Protectorate-sworn to learn both the ninja and pirate ways."

Tigger was utterly confused. "But but but but, I thought that I was just a kid and my mom was a (kind hearted) whore and my dad was unknown". Suprised, Tigger learned that he too could speak Pirate.

"Oh my little one", said Lord Mullett, "Your confusion is only beginning"

Part 20

Just at that moment, a giant blast sounded from the heavens, and a ship descended. Bigger than nightmare, bigger than the edge of your dreams, bigger than Oprah circa 1996...

[GASP!]

Oh, Yes, Friends: this ship was the fighting vessel of the mighty Pinja.

Long John "Snake Eyes" Bluebeard jumped out of the ship, still hovering 200 feel above the earth. Effortlessly he fell to the ground and landed like a cat. In one hand was a ninja kitana sword, in the other a curvy scythe. Behind his belt were throwing stars, numchucks, and a musket.

On Long John Snake Eye's shoulder was a parrot, covered in covered in black cloth, with only beady eyes (and a huge proboscis) sticking out. It was this parrot that spoke (for all know that the Pinja do not speak themselves, especially Snake Eyes, who lost his voice years ago when fighting with the Dred Pirate Storm Shadow Roberts).

"Ahoy, Noble Warrior-Mateys!" the parrot squawked. "The Ninjarate are impostors, and the Mighty Pinja have come to make things right."

Lord Mullet Laughed. "Ha Ha Ha! This was just what we wanted to happen. We set up the chain of events with the "Chosen One" just to lure you Pinja into the open. Now we can finish this like we should have done at the Battle of Midway!"

"SQUAWK!" Squawked the parrot. "You've come to the sheep shearing without any clippers. The boy's midichlorians belong to us!"

With that an epic battle commenced. The Pinja and the Nijarate clashed in the air with a mighty roar. Dirt and soot rained down over the city. (Luckily this was Montreal, so no one really noticed the grime.)

A RCMP named EverMan(who was from out west, and therefore goodhearted), pulled Tigger aside. He knew that even though the Pinja and the Nijarate were fighting over Tigger, such was their enmity for each other that they might kill him accidentally as collateral damage.

"Why are they f-f-fighting so?" Little Tigger stammered, finally remembering from Part 1 he had a severe speech impediment.

"Oh, don't you worry, eh? This happens any time Portmanteaux clash."

"Wh-wh-what's a P-p-portmanteau?" Sniffled Tigger.

"A Portmanteau is when two words push together, eh?"

"L-like scuzzy?" Tigger asked, thinking of the brothel.

"Right on!" Said EverMan, warming to the subject. "Oh, there's been some fearsome battles, eh? Like the time Leakfast and Brunch fought for six days in Paris, or when Foke and Smog duked it out over Los Angeles. You might say it's a tradition, eh?"

"Why you k-k-keep asking me?" Tigger grumbled. "How the f-f-f-f-f...how would I know?"

"Right on!" Said Everman (for this was really all he knew to say).

The battle was winding down,as Long John Snake Eyes ripped Lord Mullet's hair off to reveal it was a wig! Everyone gasped, or if appropriate, dropped the many cigarettes out of their mouths and cried out "Sacre Bleu!"

Long John Snake Eyes (with parrot) came up to Tigger to take the boy on the ship. Tigger was of course frightened, but he felt it was his destiny. He was finally going to learn what was in store for him.

As they ascended the gangplank Tigger timidly asked, "What was that about the M-m-midichlorians?"

"SQUAWK!" Squawked the parrot. "You'll find out when we meet our next enemy. They're a fierce breed who like to dress up in war paint and spray poison out of flowers. But you'll have to learn about that next time in 'Attack of the Clowns.'"

THEEND?